new vision, new pain

I’m in a place in my soul right now where I feel completely scared and somewhat safe all at the same time.  It’s a new feeling for me, and it makes me feel as though I might just be ok... I’m actually expressing myself this time around rather then keeping everything in.

"This time around," I guess I should explain what I mean by that.

When my mom passed away, I was 11 years old, I didn’t know how to comprehend much less deal with the emotions that followed that.  I turned out pretty great, but had some emotional problems I had to overcome... and am still doing so.  I didn’t talk to much anyone about how I felt about her dying, really.... no one in my family did.  It was so shocking that something like that could happen to our family.  Our "bubble" as my brother used to say.  I don’t think any of us knew exactly what to say.

So, this time around... my dad is going to die.  I’m talking more about it and making sure I stay connected with my brothers and the family as much as I can.  I want us to be ok.  And inside, I feel better ... more secure than I did with my mom’s passing.  Prehaps that’s come with age, or maturing... I don’t know for sure.  I do know, that when the time comes, I’m going to need all the support and love I can handle from the people I have in my life.  I looked at my boyfriend last night and just told him how thankful I am to have him.  He’s amazing. And that goes for all the friends I have in this world as well.  You all make me happy and feel ok.  Thank you for that. 

I am very scared about this whole situation though.  What will happen if I have a financial emergency?  What happens if I can’t handle the emotions?  And worst of all... what is it going to feel like having no parents to call or visit in my early 20s?  I will have to walk down the aisle without my daddy’s arm and without seeing my mom’s face.  I really do believe they’ll be in my heart on these important events, but it is very sad to think about.  When he does die, I will carry love for him as I do for my mom every day of my life. 

Anyway, this blog has turned into an outpour of tears on my part.  Jesus.

Whatever the case, happy easter everyone, and please don’t take your family granted.  Look into their eyes at dinner tonight and be thankful.  Love is the most important thing in life, and your family provides endless amounts of it.